Celebrating a Birthday of a Deceased Loved One
Birthday
celebrations in my family are usually a low-key affair. In fact, I don’t think I have ever even had a
birthday party – not even as a child. Being one of seven children, you can probably
understand why that might have been the case.
On the other hand, my aging mother has had several big birthday parties
including one at 60, 70 and 80 years of age.
If she lives to be 90, she will probably have one of those too. My older sister is following in her footsteps
and her husband has given her a 40th, 50th and 60th
to date. In some ways I am disappointed
none of my children have ever wanted to have either an 18th or 21st
birthday party. I would have loved to
made it a special occasion for them.
13 April Dilemma – Sebastian’s Party/Nick’s Birthday
Earlier this year my nephew turned 21 years of age. He is in
the Australian Armed Forces and had his first posting to Iraq late last
year. Since he has been back in
Australia, he has spent the majority of his time in barracks in Brisbane. While he has found this slightly frustrating,
he was pleased because he was based in his home town and able to plan a 21st
birthday party to celebrate with family and friends. Originally the date for
the party was scheduled for early March.
Not long after he set up a Facebook Invite page, the Army decided he
needed to be elsewhere for that date and most weeks in March, April and
May. He was left with two week-ends in
April where he was able to host his party – one was Easter weekend and the
other was the 13th April - Nicholas’ (my deceased son) birthday.
Nicholas died in November 2016, so for the past two years, my husband and Nick’s siblings have
developed the following ritual to celebrated his birthday: we all go out to the
pub for dinner, drink a bourbon and coke (his beverage of choice) and throw
some money down the mouth of a pokey machine (a favourite pastime of his). We also visit his memorial garden – Nick’s
Park- and say a few words and leave a gift. This is our way of continuing our
relationships with him despite his physical absence. While the pain
at his loss is magnified on this special day it feels right to remember and
honour his life in this way.
Nicholas would have been celebrating his 31st
birthday this year. I have already
bought him a small garden gnome – a miner that looks just like him and a small
shrub to plant in his garden. I will craft
a birthday card and we will all write something in the card - Perhaps a poem,
prayer or a special memory.
With the impending birthday and my nephew’s party looming
heavy on my mind, I have been struggling with declining or accepting the
invitation. Most of my siblings, their husbands and children will be attending
along with a cohort of his army peers. Would it be a good idea to attend a
celebration when I may not feel happy? If I attend and find myself crying and
distressed will it ruin my nephews party?
Will other people be understanding if I breakdown? All these things are
swirling around my mind.
The profound comments by my 15-year-old daughter are also
ringing in my ears: “Mum, isn’t it wonderful that we can celebrate Nick’s
birthday with all the family this year.
And Nick would love to see us enjoying ourselves and celebrating with a
big party.”
It seems I have a
choice to gather with family and celebrate or stay at home and suffer alone.
Celebrating a
birthday when the person you love is no longer with you can be painful
especially if your loss is recent. Is celebrate even the right word to use for
an occasion that may bring tears and sorrow?
How do you celebrate the birthday of a deceased loved one? Please share in the comments below.
Comments
Post a Comment